The Most Powerful Communication Skill You Need to Know About

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone because you thought they were going to do one thing and they had assumed something different. Who was in the right? Well, obviously you were! Because in your head you were very clear about what you wanted, therefore you must have been right.

This is the problem with many interactions we have with people, whether in a work context or at home with family or friends. We make assumptions about what others would like and we make assumptions about what other people will do. Sometimes we get it spot on and things go smoothly, but when we don’t get it right, we really know about it because it tends to blow up out of all proportion. You have two people who believe they are right, because they both made the most logical assumption - only their assumptions were different!

​If you can relate to this, you need to read on.

​The most simple and powerful change you can make is about the distinction between having expectations of people and making agreements.

Very rarely do we make agreements with people. More often than not, we just expect things from people. Listen the next time someone is complaining about someone, or is upset about a situation. There is a good chance they expected someone to behave in a certain way, who didn’t and they were left feeling hurt, angry or worse.

We have expectations of what people ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ do. And we have expectations about how life should be. 

​For example:

I expect my manager to listen to me
I expect my partner to care more about…
I don’t expect people to be horrible to me
Life should be fair
Everyone should be nice to each other

​These expectations are based on our unwritten rules
​about our lives

These rules are slightly different for everyone. For many of us they are idealistic, not wrong, but sometimes unrealistic. For example my expectation of a manager used to be ‘I expect my manager to listen to what I have to say and treat me with respect all the time’. This sounds all well and good to me, but the problem is, a manager is only human and they will be busy and have bad days and sometimes you get managers who are not very skilled at listening. So if I walk around with this expectation, I am going to be let down, a lot! And the only person this hurts is me. Complaining about it to others, does nothing. The only thing that can ever improve things is to scrap the expectations of others and make agreements. Open, honest agreements. They may require a little negotiation, but it will be worth it.

Here’s the funny but sad thing about expectations

If you expect your partner to put the bins out in time to be collected, there are two outcomes:

1. They do put them out and you are neither surprised, happy or grateful because you expected them to do it.
2. They don’t put them out and you feel let down, unsupported and probably annoyed.

​Expectations of others rarely lead to supportive happy relationships. Agreements on the other hand open a forum for discussion, understanding and appreciation for each person’s perspective. 
If I have no expectation about whether my partner puts the bins out or not, then I am incredibly grateful and pleased if he does and if he doesn’t, I am not annoyed or let down because I didn’t expect him to do it.

Ditch expectations and make agreements instead

This is not about lowering expectations of others - it’s about making agreements so that the other person actually knows what it is they are expected to do. It is very hard to live up to expectations of other people. If you feel you are trying to live up to a manager's expectations but don’t know how to meet them, it is time to start opening a discussion to make some agreements. If you ever feel let down by colleagues, friends or family, check in with yourself and see whether you perhaps had an expectation of them that they did not actually agree to.

Your expectations may be perfectly valid, important and necessary, but don’t assume that others know what they are, or will get on board with them if you say ‘I expect you to…’

​Try it now - listen to someone saying to you ‘I expect you to do x, y, z...’
How does it feel? For most people it is exactly what gets our backs up, even children respond better to agreements than expectations. Maybe it’s the rebel in us, but there’s a little voice that responds ‘Do you really?!?’ and ‘We’ll see about that!’

But making an agreement with someone is like giving your word and people invariably do their best to keep their word.

So I urge you, whether its with your own children, partner, colleagues or managers, start making agreements about what needs to get done and leave the expectations behind.

Be pleasantly surprised more often than you are disappointed and make meaningful agreements that will resolve conflicts before they begin.

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